The details of that day are extremely hard to share, but unfortunately, they’re what keep playing over and over again in my mind, especially today. Last year, on the anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I shared my first letter to Thomas. Today, I’d like to share my second.
My sweet, sweet baby boy, oh how I miss you so. There’s not a day that passes that I don’t think about you multiple times a day. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest. For Thanksgiving, we took a family vacation to Disney World. Every holiday is difficult without you, but this one was especially. There were moments I would look around at other families and their arms were full. Mine weren’t, you were missing. I didn’t have you to hold during the fireworks, on the rides or in family pictures. I also knew the anniversary of your passing was coming up, and now Christmas is quickly approaching. It’s so hard without you here, not growing up with your little sister. We tell her about you all the time. She can identify any picture of you and says, “Bubba.”
In September, we attended the Baby Steps Memorial 5K and Fun Run in your memory. Joined by our families and a few close friends, as always, it was a joy to participate. Your sister and cousins had a blast jumping in the bounce house, having their faces painted, playing in bubbles, and cheering on Daddy in the 5K. At the end of the event, there was a balloon release, which is always the most emotional part of the day for me. After Daddy and I released a balloon to you, I took a moment to look around at all the others running in memory of loved ones. There were so many people crying, I truly hurt for them. I knew their pain and it hurt. It made me realize just how much infant loss sucks! I don’t like that word one bit, but that’s exactly how I felt and still do. The next day when I was sitting in church all I could think about is how much I hate sin. Because sin entered this world, there is suffering. I selfishly wish you would have been healthy at birth, and I’m sure many at the Baby Steps Run wished they didn’t have to be there, if only their situation had turned out differently as well. I pray that everyone there knows our Heavenly Father and has the same assurance I have that I will be reunited with you again one day.
Your little sister is now two years old! I can’t even begin to explain the amount of joy she brings to our lives. She truly is the face of God’s grace. The best way to describe Alexandria is through John 16:20, “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” I experienced so many dark days after you passed away while the world kept going, but God turned that grief into joy. He placed Alexandria in our lives at the perfect time to help with healing. She really does bring a smile to our faces. I hold her tight each day and thank God for His blessings. We love watching Alexandria grow and develop. We make every effort to spend as much time with her as we can, and plan fun family outings. As much joy as she brings us, it doesn’t even compare to the joy we are going to experience when we enter Heaven.
Thomas, I love and miss you so much! Thank you for making me a mommy, a very proud mommy. I truly do hold onto everything you taught me and try my best not to slip back to my old ways of taking people and time for granted. I realize how precious life is and make every effort to make the most of each day. I love you and can’t wait to be with you again.
This may be the longest post I’ve ever written. If you’re still reading this, you’re very kind. I just wanted to share what was on my heart on this December 5th day, three years after my baby boy went to be with Jesus. I hope the words I’ve written can be an encouragement to those in similar situations. Grief is hard. Unfortunately, it’s something we will all experience at some point in our lives. The pain will ease but never fully heal until that glorious day. When I reflect back on the past three years, perseverance is a common thread. I’d like to close with Romans 5:3-5, “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
Below is a Celebration of Life video of Thomas. We hope you will take a moment to watch it.