My sweet baby Thomas is getting ready to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ by kneeling at His feet for the second year in a row. I can only imagine the beautiful celebration that will take place. I envision a line similar to the one at Bass Pro where children and families are anxiously waiting to see Santa; only this line is much, much longer and much more beautiful. And, instead of children voicing what they want for Christmas, everyone is in awe of the King and waits patiently to give Him gifts of praise. It’s an awesome feeling to know my son will be in that line.
 
We’ve heard all our lives that, “This is the most wonderful time of the year!” Many would agree and many would disagree. This is the time of year when families and friends gather for parties, people spend hours shopping for the perfect gift, Christmas lights are hung and trees are put up, cards are mailed, and children wait eagerly to open their gifts on Christmas morning. It’s the time of year that can be very difficult for those who have lost loved ones. When I was pregnant with Thomas, I always pictured us decorating for Christmas together, baking cookies for Santa together, watching Christmas movies together, and the biggest thing I remember imagining is Thomas running down the stairs to wake Buddy and me so that he could see what Santa brought him. Sadly, this will never happen. While those things are fun and exciting, they are not the reason we celebrate Christmas; Jesus Christ is and I would never wish for Thomas to be here to experience those things when he is instead standing face to face with our Savior. It IS the most wonderful time of year, not because of all the material things, but because the One who gives me hope that I will see my son again was born. 

​This time last year, it didn’t feel like the most wonderful time of year. Buddy and I had just lost our six-and-a-half month old son, Thomas. We actually got away for a couple of weeks during the holidays. It was our first time to be away from our families on Christmas. As much as I missed them while we were traveling, I feared returning home, facing reality without my son. As I sat in the airport waiting to board our flight, heartbroken with tears running down my face, I never imagined how different Christmas would look this year. I never imagined we would be holding a baby girl in our arms on Christmas morning as we celebrate Christ’s birth. God is good and His timing and plans are perfect. He has provided us with a great deal of healing over the past year. Alexandria brings us so much joy. While the holidays this year have been difficult because we miss Thomas very much, they have also been fun celebrating Alexandria’s first Christmas. We can’t wait to read the Christmas story to her on Christmas Eve and tell her all about the One who gives salvation and has made a way for her to meet her big brother. We have already started new traditions… we weren’t going to decorate for Christmas this year, and about two weeks ago, we changed our minds. We decided to put up our tree. While decorating our tree, we baked cookies, danced with Alexandria to Christmas music, and cried and smiled together as we talked about Thomas. He is the angel at the top of our tree.

​There will be years that Christmas doesn’t feel like the most wonderful time of year. That may be this year for you. This holiday season, even in the midst of being without a loved one or whatever struggle you may be dealing with, I pray you’re able to experience joy as you celebrate Christ’s birth.
 
But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end." "How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her. - Luke 1:30-38

​A year ago Monday was the start to the worst week of our lives. We were going on two months in the hospital and we were exhausted parents, but there is nothing vague about it… we had a very sick little boy. For almost the entire time Thomas was in the hospital, the multiple infections remained on his skin. Not this time, we had just found out he had his first blood infection. And, on top of that, he was extremely sick with a coronavirus, an upper-respiratory illness. It is very common in those who remain in the hospital for a long period of time. Buddy was scheduled to fly to Portland that week on business; thank God he decided not to go. We didn’t sleep much the whole time we were in the hospital. Honestly, it is by the grace of God that we survived. But, we for sure didn’t sleep that week. We spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what we could do for our sick baby, constantly in prayer for him, and seeking prayer from everyone we knew.

​As the one-year anniversary of Thomas’ passing is here, I don’t want to spend this blog post writing about that tragic week. I would like to remember Thomas’ precious life here on this Earth, and share about how he has changed not only mine and Buddy’s lives, but many others as well. I would also like to use this opportunity to write about God’s goodness during the hardest, yet one of the most joyful, years of our lives. I believe this will be best done by sharing something very sacred with you. The pastor who spoke at Thomas’ funeral asked Buddy and me to write a letter expressing our feelings about our precious son. At the time, I wasn’t ready to write a letter to Thomas, but I did write about him. Buddy wrote a letter to him and I would like to share both with you now.
 
Mommy’s Letter
“Thomas changed my life forever”
                We prayed and waited for Thomas for a very long time. He truly is our miracle from God and he worked a miracle in our lives and lives all around the world. From October 25, 2013, when we found out we were pregnant with Thomas, until May 22, 2014, when he was born, I had a glow about me I can’t explain. The day Thomas was born was one of the best days of my life. It is a day I will never forget.
 
                In Thomas’ short time on Earth, he completely changed my life and the way I look at life. He taught me what really matters. He taught me that I take so much for granted. He taught me what true faith in God is and how to rely completely on Him. Thomas helped me understand that I had to turn him over to God; that he was His not mine. He taught me what true love is; and how to love. I would have taken care of Thomas the rest of my life.
 
                Thomas was my best friend, my little cuddle buddy, my miracle from God. He was the best baby. He was a fighter. He was so strong and he taught me a lot about strength. He inspired me. He made me so proud as I watched him grow and develop. He had a strength I can’t explain. He helped me realize how weak I am.
 
                Thomas taught me to rely fully on God. He helped strengthen my faith. He helped me realize how in love with God I am. He helped me realize how good God is. I prayed in the last six months more than I’ve prayed in my entire life. He helped me realize how awful sin is and what it has done to this world. He helped me think about and pray for other babies and children who are suffering. He made me want to be a better person and serve others for the rest of my life. He taught me to never give up.
 
                I could honestly write a book about Thomas and how he has changed my life. I pray that he will change lives for years to come. I will do my very best to share his story and make sure it isn’t forgotten.
 
                Thomas loved me. We had the greatest mother/son connection. I LOVED to hold him and cuddle him. I loved to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. I spent all my time with him. I do and will miss caring for him. He touched and blessed my life like no one ever has. I have a hurt that I can’t explain. A piece of me is gone. I love and miss him more than anyone will ever understand. The joy he brought to my life is unexplainable. But, I have hope and peace in knowing that I will see him again one day and what a glorious day that will be!

​Daddy’s Letter
Dear Thomas, my precious son, my firstborn, my namesake:
                What a journey it has been watching you grow and caring for you over the past six months and two weeks! Your mommy and I have prayed for you constantly… even before you were conceived! Although two of your siblings never made it to their birth day, you did, and we thanked God for such a miracle in our lives.
 
                You have taught me so many valuable lessons and traits during your short time on Earth with us, the first being a new kind of love. This is not the love I have for your mommy; or for Meme, Grande and Aunt BB; or even for Jesus. This love was something different. I can’t explain it or even compare it to anything, I just know what an awesome feeling it was and how I miss you now. I am so thankful for getting to experience it and know that this love, along with faith and hope, will keep me going until I get to see you again.
 
                Thank you for teaching me about how valuable time is and how much I took for granted before you arrived. I loved spending time with you and caring for you. While some may consider it a burden, your mommy and I absolutely loved doing whatever you needed to continue your growth, development and happiness/comfort. We were forced to decide what was a true priority in our lives and make changes to our daily routine. I will never go back to the same “time traps” again after what you have revealed to me. Thank you for helping me to understand what truly matters.
 
                On the subject of what truly matters, you most importantly caused your mommy and me to grow closer to God and strengthened our faith. While we may not have attended as many church services or read as many devotions during your life as we had previously, we have most certainly increased our dependence on Christ. You have helped show us that when we are weak, Jesus is His strongest. You showed us how to “suffer well” during your long hospital stay. You blessed us in a way that often times made it not even feel like suffering, which confounded the doctors and nurses at times. I now understand the joy in suffering that I read about in the scriptures.
 
                Thank you again for the love you have shown to mommy and me. You made our family complete and will always be a part of it. I pray God uses your life and death in a mighty way to reach others and draw them nearer to Him. Your life had a purpose, not only in our family’s context, but also to glorify God. I love you and absolutely cannot wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again… and that you will be able to see and hear my voice!
 
Love,
Daddy

​Not only did Thomas change mine and Buddy’s lives, but he has impacted lives all across this world. His life does have a purpose and God has used it to bring Him glory… doctors and nurses have been able to use Thomas’ life to share about their faith in God with their different teams of coworkers. People have informed us that they now attend church because of Thomas. My mommy friends tell me all the time that because of Thomas they strive to be a better mother and enjoy every second they have with their children. Several friends revealed to us that their children experienced grief for the first time when Thomas passed away. Various friends and people we don’t even know have informed us they have found comfort in personal matters because of Thomas. The list goes on. It is truly a blessing to hear the many ways God has used Thomas’ life to impact others.
 
I would like to conclude by sharing how good God has been this previous year. Losing a child is the worst possible thing anyone could ever experience. God is the only reason we get up and continue each day. His strength has truly been amazing and unexplainable. There were times throughout this year however that I didn’t feel God near. During these times Buddy would remind me of the footprints in the sand poem:
 
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
 
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
 
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
 
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
 
- by Mary Stevenson

Wow, and how true this really is! On the hardest of days, God was carrying me through. Not only did he see me through the toughest days, he blessed me with sweet memories of Thomas and constant reminders of how important his life really is. He also blessed Buddy and me with a rainbow baby, Alexandria Hope. She arrived at the perfect time, and we’re so grateful we have her to hold and make us smile on the anniversary of Thomas’ passing. We can’t wait to tell her all about her big brother and the special place he holds in hearts all over this world.
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God is good and we thank Him for His many blessings, especially the six-and-a-half precious months we had with our miracle baby. On the anniversary of Thomas’ passing, we are sad. But even in our sadness we have joy because we know we will see him again. We don’t know when that day will come so until then, we will treasure the sweet memories we have of him and ensure his story is told for generations to come.
 
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

​Below is a Celebration of Life video of Thomas. We hope you will take a moment to watch it.
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