Buddy and I have always had a difficult time agreeing on names. I didn’t know if our dog Max would even have a name as it took weeks for us to reach an agreement. Thomas’ name was the easiest because we knew we wanted to keep the namesake going and he would be the V. A couple of months ago, we started thinking about a name for Thomas’ baby sister. We both felt confident about what we wanted her middle name to be, but couldn’t quite agree on her first name. My favorite names for a girl include: Julia, Radie, Savannah and Eden. Buddy wasn’t particularly crazy about any of those names; so we actually ended up agreeing on a name that I never imagined naming my daughter and we couldn’t be more excited about it because it has such a special meaning.

When I tell people what Thomas’ baby sister’s name is going to be, I like to start with her middle name:

My middle name was Hope and Buddy always thought that would be a beautiful middle name for our daughter. Now we love the name even more because of the hope we have that we’ll see Thomas again. The picture above was recently taken when Buddy and I went to the beach. That week was tough for me because I couldn’t help but think about what it would be like if Thomas was there at the beach with us. This piece of décor was in our condo and I started crying when I saw it and had to take a picture. I believe God was reminding us to keep our hope because we will see our sweet baby again.

Are you ready for baby sister’s first name?!?!

Baby sister’s first name will be Alexandria. Thomas’ middle name is Alexander, so we thought using the name Alexandria would be a perfect way to remember his precious life. At the beginning of April, I had been thinking about Thomas’ name and how we could use part of it, and then my dad actually gave me the idea about Alexandria. We’re not completely sure yet what we will call her, but we have a lot of options. Buddy likes Alex or Allie. I like Lexie, and honestly, I would love to call her Alexandria. Buddy is afraid she wouldn’t be able to spell her name though, ha! We have plenty of time to decide however.

We believe without a doubt that Alexandria Hope will make her big brother very proud. We are going to make sure she knows everything about her brother and the many lives he has touched and changed. 

As Mother’s Day approached this year, I wouldn’t say I dreaded it, but I would say I was afraid to face it. Every day is extremely hard for me, but I knew this day was going to be even harder because I would be more aware of it and its meaning. When the thought of Mother’s Day crossed my mind, all I would think about is lying in bed and crying all day. I certainly didn’t think I would be able to make it to church, and I really didn’t want to get out and do anything. Honestly, I didn’t know if I would even be able to make it out of bed. As Mother’s day drew closer, Buddy and I began to ask others who have lost a child what they did for their first Mother’s Day after their loss. One couple told us they visited a different church in a completely different city from their own. A friend told me she wore a Super Man shirt to church to display that she’s a super mom because that’s what it takes to give a baby back to God. Our grief counselor told us that many couples go out of town to get away for the weekend. Go out of town, that actually sounded really good to me and that’s exactly what we did.

Road Trippin’ It
Buddy had been following a Jeep Grand Cherokee for sale in Kentucky for quite some time and felt ready to make a move. So I told him that Mother’s Day weekend would be the perfect time for us to travel and purchase the Jeep. I knew this trip would be beneficial for both of us. Not only would it get me away for the weekend, but it would force me out of bed on Sunday because we would have to travel back home. Buddy made the arrangements and we began our weekend getaway after work on Friday. Even though we weren’t doing anything too exciting for the weekend, Buddy still wanted to make it special for me. He booked us at a nice Marriott resort in Tennessee. We woke up early on Saturday morning, ate breakfast, and continued our road trip to Kentucky. We traveled through Virginia, which is apparently the state for lovers (see picture below).

Facing My Fear of Mother’s Day
Around 6:30 Sunday morning I woke up crying hysterically. I was very aware of what day it was and I didn’t have my sweet Thomas to hold in my arms. Trust me; it’s a painful, sick feeling. Buddy of course comforted me as I cried myself back to sleep. I woke up once again in tears a few hours later. This time, Buddy dragged me out of bed so we wouldn’t be late for breakfast. It was also comforting as I already had over 20 texts and Facebook messages from friends wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day, and sending their thoughts and prayers. It felt so good to be reminded that people were thinking about me. After returning to our room, Buddy gave me my Mother’s Day gift. He and a close friend worked together to have a charm necklace of Thomas made for me (picture below). It is absolutely beautiful, and very thoughtful! It is different from the one a friend gave me earlier in the week, so I’m able to change them out and wear them both. Buddy knew Mother’s Day weekend would be very hard for me and he did everything he could to make it as special as possible.

Road Trippin’ It Back Home to See My Mother
Probably the hardest part of the entire trip was having to drive back home separately from Buddy. I was by myself so I had a lot of time to think. You can only imagine all of the thoughts that went through my head. I spent a great deal of the drive crying. Buddy would call me often to check on me. I was ready to get home to see my mother. She gives the best hugs and that’s exactly what I needed.

We got home later that afternoon and each went to see our mothers. I went to my grandfather’s house where my mom was. I cried on her for a while and then we talked and even had a few laughs. I had something special planned for us to do together. My grandmother, my mom’s mother, passed away two years ago. My mom has had a very hard time since then. I got two balloons and told her I wanted her to write a message to Mawmaw and I was going to write a message to Thomas and then we would release our balloons to them. She loved the idea and immediately began writing her message. My mom, dad, brother, grandfather and myself all went outside together and released the balloons to our angels in Heaven. It was a very special moment for all of us, and it especially meant a lot to my mom. We then went back inside and my older sister and nephew joined us for cake to conclude the evening. As hard as the day was, I had such a great time with my family.

I Couldn’t Say “Happy Mother’s Day”
I wasn’t able to tell anyone “Happy Mother’s Day” this year, not even my own mother. The reason: it wasn’t a happy day for me. I didn’t mind anyone telling me “Happy Mother’s Day,” it actually meant a lot to me when people did because they were acknowledging me as a mother. But I just couldn’t say it. I responded to all of the sweet messages I received with, “I hope you had a wonderful day.”

Getting away for the weekend definitely helped me get through Mother’s Day, but the real reason I survived is because of my faith. I am constantly reminded of the story of David and his son in the Bible. David had hope that he would see his son again. 2 Samuel 12:23 says, “But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” I cling to this same hope. Thomas will not return to me but I will go to him, and what an incredible Mother’s Day that will be!

CLICK HERE for pictures from Mother’s Day weekend.    

When I think about the month of May I think about the start to summer, my favorite time of year. All of the beautiful flowers are in full bloom, it’s time to break out the shorts, and it’s perfect weather to work on a golden tan. There is nothing like summer cookouts with family and friends, the smell of fresh cut grass, swimming in the pool, eating watermelon and homemade ice cream, and taking beach vacations. While all of these things are great and fun, to me the month of May is more, for several old and new reasons. I will start with the new:

1.) My sweet first born son, Thomas Alexander Lambert V, was born on May 22, 2014, by far one of the best days of my life. My water broke at 34 weeks so it was most definitely a very scary seven hours leading up to Thomas’ birth. As you can imagine, many thoughts were running through my head from knowing Thomas would have to go straight to the NICU, to we weren’t ready (we didn’t have one thing packed), to the scariest thought of all, “Will my baby even make it?” But even in the midst of our fears, we were reminded that God was in control. Buddy immediately called the Women’s and Children’s Center and we learned that my doctor was on call, which was a HUGE blessing. When we arrived at the hospital, we were placed with the perfect nurse who helped calm my anxious nerves. I progressed very quickly so I only experienced a few tough contractions before receiving the best medicine… an epidural, which couldn’t have gone better. Our families, close friends and pastor made it just in time for a quick prayer before everyone had to clear the room to get ready for the grand entrance of our precious son. God placed the perfect encouraging nurses in the room during “Go Time!” I will never forget when Buddy starting crying and that made me start crying and then my doctor started crying. We laugh about it now, but in the moment of the birth of your first child, it’s an indescribable feeling. My doctor had already warned us that Buddy probably wouldn’t be able to cut the cord because with Thomas being so premature we didn’t know how well his lungs would be developed. But to our surprise, he was born crying with great lungs and Buddy was able to cut the cord, an exciting and proud moment for new daddy! My favorite memory that will forever be etched in my mind and heart was when Thomas was placed in my arms for the first time; it was love at first sight. He had the perfect red lips I couldn’t wait to kiss. I only had a brief couple of minutes with Thomas before he was rushed to the NICU, but those sweet moments and memories of holding him close, kissing him and taking our first family photo, will never be forgotten.

May 22, 2014, will never be the same. A lot has happened since that date and our hearts have been completely broken. We’ve been down a road no parent ever wants to travel and begs God to protect them from. To read more about Thomas and our six and a half month journey with him, please CLICK HERE. We will celebrate Thomas’ life forever. You can read about how we celebrated his first birthday by clicking here.

2.) May is Ichthyosis Awareness Month. Thomas was born with ichthyosis; and interestingly, during the month devoted to awareness for it. I spent the month of May trying my best to educate people about this rare skin condition that ultimately took Thomas’ life. When we found out Thomas had ichthyosis, about two hours after he was born, Buddy and I had never even heard of it; most people haven’t. Now we are committed to spending the rest of our lives educating people and raising awareness. We hope to plan a 5K run in the near future to help raise awareness for something that is very dear to our hearts now. To learn more about ichthyosis, please CLICK HERE.

Previous reasons the month of May is special to me include:

3.) Mother’s Day is during the month of May. I have always enjoyed celebrating my mother. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love her and need her in my life. I go to my mom about everything and I always have. She would do anything for me and my siblings. She has always given up herself for us and is one of the most selfless people I know. I thank God for blessing me with the perfect mom for me!

Growing up, I always desired to be a mommy. I couldn’t wait to show my child the love my mom always showed me. God blessed me with the joy and honor to take care of Thomas for a few short months. I can’t even begin to describe how much I LOVED taking care of Thomas and I would still be caring for him 24/7 if he were still here. He made me the happiest and proudest mommy. When Thomas was born, I gave up myself and was able to give him my heart, my everything. I look forward to the day I can hold him for all of eternity. I thank God for choosing me to be Thomas’ mommy. I had to do the hardest thing in the world and give Thomas back to God, but I couldn’t be more grateful for the time I did have with him here on Earth. He made me a mommy and I will always be his mommy. Mother’s Day will be a very hard day for me for the rest of my life because he’s not here with me, but he’s the reason I get to celebrate Mother’s Day. He will live in my heart forever.

4.) My mother’s birthday is May 13. I get to celebrate my precious mother twice during the month of May. My mom and Thomas share the same birth month. She was a wonderful grandmother to Thomas and he will always hold a special place in her heart. He loved her and enjoyed being held by her; he rested very peacefully in her arms. Thomas changed my mom’s life. I’m thankful for the time she had with him and I know she is too. It is special to me that I have the privilege of celebrating my son and my mother during the same month.

5.) Our sweet Sullivan’s birthday is May 18. Sullivan is a very special young girl to Buddy and me. She is the reason we knew we were ready to have a baby. After we visited her in the hospital, we fell in love. We couldn’t stop talking about her and couldn’t wait to see her again. Thomas decided he wanted to share a birthday with Sullivan! Sweet Sulli loved Thomas and couldn’t wait for his arrival. She helped her mommy with Thomas’ baby tea. I’m very thankful for Sullivan and her sweet family.

The month of May will always be difficult because Thomas is not here to celebrate with us physically. However, I will always treasure his birth and the six and a half months God blessed me with him, that he made me the happiest mommy, the joy he brought my mother, and that if it hadn’t have been for Sullivan he may not have even made it into our lives. These are the reasons the month of May is special to me.