​On this day four years ago, my sweet firstborn son Thomas was born. It’s the day every young girl dreams of growing up and it’s the day I had longed for explicitly the past three years. Thomas made me a mommy! After struggling with infertility and having two miscarriages, I was finally a mother. Many of my friends already had children so I was ecstatic to become a part of the most rewarding group – motherhood. I could finally attend all the kid parties and outings. I couldn’t wait for playdates. I had the most precious little red crab swim trunks, shirt and hat, along with the perfect outfits planned for Thomas’ first beach trip. During my lunch break from work, I would often drive to Babies R Us just to look around, and one day I found those swim trunks, shirt and hat and was thrilled about buying them. I already had plans for Thomas’ first Halloween costume and couldn’t wait to take him to the fall festival at our church. I was truly overjoyed about his nursery. I found a company in South Alabama that makes custom bedding and they made the perfect baby elephant bedding complete with Thomas’ name monogrammed on the bumpers. Buddy worked very hard in the nursery adding the cutest accents on the walls and even found baby elephant light switch covers. Thomas’ nursery was cuter than I ever could have imagined, and I couldn’t wait for him to enjoy it.

​In reality, my time with Thomas looked much different. Rather than attending parties, outings and playdates, our weeks were filled with various doctor’s visits. Heartbreakingly, Thomas was never able to wear his little red crab swim trunks, shirt and hat. We spent Thomas’ first Halloween in the hospital and wasn’t able to attend the fall festival. Thomas never had the chance to sleep in his nursery. Although my time with Thomas was much different than I expected or planned for, it couldn’t have been more perfect. Thomas taught me about love. While playdates, Halloween costumes, fall festivals and the perfect nursery are fun and wonderful things, they aren’t all that matters; love is what matters most. Being there and loving on him is what mattered, not that silly stuff of this world. He taught me what being a mommy is really all about. It’s completely giving up yourself to give your child the care he deserves. It involves sleepless nights. Living at the hospital. Fighting for our children, crying with them, hurting when they hurt and loving them more than anything. Above all, I believe it’s completely trusting and relying on God. From the moment Thomas was born, our reliance on God increased beyond measure. We needed Him more than ever before.

​Today, on Thomas’ birthday, I reflect back on the love we shared. The sweet cuddles, endless kisses, skin-to-skin time, watching him grow and develop. I envision the love, bond and friendship he and his little sister would have shared. Alexandria knows her Bubba and she loves him. She enjoys watching videos of him and visiting him at the cemetery. She made a sweet butterfly for him for his birthday. She also sang “Happy Birthday to Bubba” all day; it melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes. We also planted a special flower today for Thomas to demonstrate our love for him. We look forward to celebrating his birthday this weekend with family and close friends.

This year I celebrate love – true motherhood. I owe it to Thomas to love and to love well. We grieve because we love and there is no end to our love for our children. I look forward to the day I get to love on Thomas forever, cuddle him and celebrate every birthday with him. I praise God for the love He has for me. He sent His son to die for me so that I can spend eternity with him and have the assurance that I will see my sweet baby boy again one day soon. Happy Birthday in Heaven Thomas, Mommy loves you!

​"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

​After Thomas passed away, Buddy and I were desperate for help. Not only were our lives turned upside down and inside out, but we felt so alone. The world kept going while we ached with grief. I’ll never forget the day we discovered H.A.L.O. (Honoring Angels Like Owen). We were in the airport waiting to board a plane that was going to take us very far away from home during Christmas. We both sobbed as we read our now support group leaders’ story. After returning to reality, Buddy contacted them and they provided all of the details we needed to attend the infant loss support group. It has truly been a godsend. Our leaders have poured into our lives for three years now, and we have had the opportunity to connect with others who have experienced similar situations.
 
When a wife loses her husband, she is a widow. When a husband loses his wife, he is a widower. When a child loses his parents, he’s an orphan. However, there’s not a name for parents who lose their child. It’s not supposed to happen that way. No one wants to be a part of this painful group. But unfortunately, because sin entered this world, it exists, and having the ability to connect with those who have been where you have, helps tremendously.
 
Just over the past few months, several of my friends in my own hometown have experienced infant loss. This life-wrecking, heart-wrenching reality seems to be becoming more prevalent in our community. After I received one of the saddest phone calls ever from one of my closest friends informing me her sweet daughter passed away in her arms earlier that day, the Lord placed it on my heart to do something. I talked with Buddy when he got home from work and sharing the same sentiments, we decided we would pray about starting an infant loss support group. Grief is hard at any time during the year, but it is extremely difficult during the cold, dark, dismal months. I can remember driving to Buddy’s work on many occasions crying my eyes out because I was so depressed and missed my baby boy beyond measure. After a lot of prayer, talking amongst each other, and seeking direction from our pastor, we are excited to announce that we are starting a support group!
 
Our Changed by Thomas infant loss grief support group will be held on the third Sunday of each month from 5-6:30 p.m. at Bethel Baptist Church, 8332 Moody Parkway, Odenville, AL 35120. This Christian-based support group is for parents who have lost a child from 20 weeks gestation to 2 years of age. These casual meetings involve guest speakers who share their story followed by a time of open group discussion. Grief is extremely difficult, especially alone. This support group is an outlet for parents to meet and connect with others who have been in similar situations. For specific details, 2018 schedule and to RSVP, please CLICK HERE. If you know anyone who has lost a baby that you believe would benefit from this group, please share this information with them.
 
Our desire for the rest of our lives is to honor and remember our sweet Thomas and we believe this support group will not only do that, but help others hurting just like us as well.
 
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

​It’s hard to believe that three years have passed since I held my baby boy for the last time. Three years since I kissed his sweet face. Three years since I grasped his tiny little hand in my palm. I remember that cold, dark Friday very vividly, every detail, every minute. After only a few short hours of sleep, Buddy and I woke to a constant beeping sound coming from Thomas’ breathing machine. I remember asking Buddy several times why it was beeping and every time he answered, “I don’t know Ashlee.” I feared the worst and my mama heart knew something was wrong. The nurse came in and had to increase Thomas’ dependency on the machine, which meant we were moving backwards. Soon after, the doctor came in and sat down on the couch between Buddy and me. I’ll never forget our conversation. She told us Thomas was sicker and she didn’t believe he was going to make it. She told us we needed to make a decision. As hard as it was, we knew what we had to do. We wanted the best for Thomas and didn’t want him to suffer any longer. He was extremely sick with coronavirus, he had multiple blood infections, and his skin was broken down all over his body; even his eyelids were bleeding. It was painful and heart wrenching to see our baby boy so ill. People all over the world were praying for Thomas and he wasn’t getting better, only worse. We begged God to heal Thomas on Earth, but He had other plans. We knew it was time to give our son back to God. Buddy began calling our family members and close friends, I was too emotional to talk to anyone. We had several visitors that day including doctors and nurses that cared for Thomas during our two-month journey at the hospital. Some cried with us and some even prayed with us. My pastor of more than 12 years was one of the first to arrive that day. I didn’t want to leave Thomas’ side but my parents and Buddy insisted that I eat because I had not eaten all day. Our pastor sat with Thomas while we went to the waiting room to eat. Some close friends brought us food from Sonic. I nibbled but was really just too sick to my stomach to eat. After our families had arrived, we all went to Thomas’ room, circled around him and had a time of prayer. Everyone spent some time with Thomas and then left the room except for Buddy, me and the doctor; it was time to say goodbye to our precious son. Trust me, I’m weeping as I write this. Up until this point that Thomas was in the PICU, we had not been able to hold him. To ensure that we both had the opportunity to hold him and spend time with him, we left him on the breathing machine. Once the doctor took him off the ventilator, it was only a matter of a few short minutes that Thomas took his last breath and entered the gates of Heaven. I held my baby so tight and cried hysterically. After Thomas had passed, Buddy and the nurse put an outfit on him and while they were dressing him all I could think about was that I wanted to hold him one more time because I knew I would never get to hold him again. So I did, and as I wept in so much pain, I held him very close. I kept telling Buddy, “I just want to bring him home with me; I just want to bring him home with me.” I know that sounds crazy but that was my baby, my firstborn, my miracle, my long awaited one, my cuddle buddy, my best friend. After the nurse took Thomas away, we gathered all of our belongings that had collected over two months, and we went home.
 
The details of that day are extremely hard to share, but unfortunately, they’re what keep playing over and over again in my mind, especially today. Last year, on the anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I shared my first letter to Thomas. Today, I’d like to share my second.

​Dear Thomas,
 
My sweet, sweet baby boy, oh how I miss you so. There’s not a day that passes that I don’t think about you multiple times a day. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest. For Thanksgiving, we took a family vacation to Disney World. Every holiday is difficult without you, but this one was especially. There were moments I would look around at other families and their arms were full. Mine weren’t, you were missing. I didn’t have you to hold during the fireworks, on the rides or in family pictures. I also knew the anniversary of your passing was coming up, and now Christmas is quickly approaching. It’s so hard without you here, not growing up with your little sister. We tell her about you all the time. She can identify any picture of you and says, “Bubba.”

​In May, we celebrated your third birthday with family and close friends. At your party, I shared a dream I had about you the night before, it was the first time I had dreamt about you since you passed away. In my dream, we were at church and Daddy and I were picking you up from nursery. You were about three years old. When we walked in, you were climbing on a chair. I picked you up and as you sat on my hip, you were laughing hilariously. You did have ichthyosis and a bald head, but we ran into one of your doctors who had not seen you in several months and he told us he thought you were doing a lot better, you had a long way to go, but doing better! Then I woke up. I had longed to dream about you since you passed away and I thank God so much for that sweet dream!
 
In September, we attended the Baby Steps Memorial 5K and Fun Run in your memory. Joined by our families and a few close friends, as always, it was a joy to participate. Your sister and cousins had a blast jumping in the bounce house, having their faces painted, playing in bubbles, and cheering on Daddy in the 5K. At the end of the event, there was a balloon release, which is always the most emotional part of the day for me. After Daddy and I released a balloon to you, I took a moment to look around at all the others running in memory of loved ones. There were so many people crying, I truly hurt for them. I knew their pain and it hurt. It made me realize just how much infant loss sucks! I don’t like that word one bit, but that’s exactly how I felt and still do. The next day when I was sitting in church all I could think about is how much I hate sin. Because sin entered this world, there is suffering. I selfishly wish you would have been healthy at birth, and I’m sure many at the Baby Steps Run wished they didn’t have to be there, if only their situation had turned out differently as well. I pray that everyone there knows our Heavenly Father and has the same assurance I have that I will be reunited with you again one day. 

​You have received several new friends recently, Nora Jean, Ryan Claire, and Jett Alexander. These sweet babies truly made an impact on many people’s lives, including mine and your Daddy’s. We all grew closer to God as we cried out in prayer for them and their parents. Their mommies and daddies miss them so much. Your Daddy and I wish no one had to experience the loss of a child. After you passed away, we joined several support groups and people poured into our lives and served us and they continue to do so today. We feel it’s time to return the favor. As infant loss seems to be more prevalent right here in our own hometown, your Daddy and I are praying heavily about starting a support group for parents who have experienced infant loss. We’ve been helped and encouraged tremendously through these godsent groups and our prayer is that we may be able to serve and provide support for grieving parents.
 
Your little sister is now two years old! I can’t even begin to explain the amount of joy she brings to our lives. She truly is the face of God’s grace. The best way to describe Alexandria is through John 16:20, “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” I experienced so many dark days after you passed away while the world kept going, but God turned that grief into joy. He placed Alexandria in our lives at the perfect time to help with healing. She really does bring a smile to our faces. I hold her tight each day and thank God for His blessings. We love watching Alexandria grow and develop. We make every effort to spend as much time with her as we can, and plan fun family outings. As much joy as she brings us, it doesn’t even compare to the joy we are going to experience when we enter Heaven.
 
Thomas, I love and miss you so much! Thank you for making me a mommy, a very proud mommy. I truly do hold onto everything you taught me and try my best not to slip back to my old ways of taking people and time for granted. I realize how precious life is and make every effort to make the most of each day. I love you and can’t wait to be with you again.
 
Love,
Mommy
 
This may be the longest post I’ve ever written. If you’re still reading this, you’re very kind. I just wanted to share what was on my heart on this December 5th day, three years after my baby boy went to be with Jesus. I hope the words I’ve written can be an encouragement to those in similar situations. Grief is hard. Unfortunately, it’s something we will all experience at some point in our lives. The pain will ease but never fully heal until that glorious day. When I reflect back on the past three years, perseverance is a common thread. I’d like to close with Romans 5:3-5, “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
 
Below is a Celebration of Life video of Thomas. We hope you will take a moment to watch it.

​Buddy and I would like to invite you to join Team Thomas and participate in the 9th Annual Baby Steps Memorial Run benefiting the Amelia Center of Birmingham, Ala. The Baby Steps Memorial 5K and One Mile Fun Run will be held Saturday, Sept. 30, 2017, at Tannehill State Park, 12632 Confederate Parkway, McCalla, AL 35111.
 
How to join Team Thomas
CLICK HERE to register. If you are participating in the 5K, “Team Thomas” should already be selected. If it is not, please select “Team Thomas” from the dropdown menu. The team registration is for the 5K only. If you would like to register for the One Mile Fun Run but still be a part of Team Thomas, no problem! Just register for the One Mile Fun Run and then e-mail us at: [email protected] to let us know. (We only receive notification when someone registers for the 5K, not the Fun Run, so please e-mail us directly if you register for the Fun Run.)  Online registration ends September 16.
 
Participants will receive free admission to the park, a race T-shirt and swag bag (guaranteed if you register by September 15). The 5K will begin at 8 a.m. and the One Mile Fun Run will begin at 8:15 a.m. Door prizes, awards and a balloon release to our angels in Heaven will follow the Run. This will be a fun day for the entire family! There will be games and various activities for kids. CLICK HERE to learn more about the Baby Steps Memorial Run.
 
The Amelia Center is a comprehensive grief counseling center that provides free individual and family counseling to children and teens who have experienced a death, or to adults who have experienced the death of a child. It is a non-profit program of Children’s of Alabama that has been serving grieving families since July 1997. The Center operates by donations and continued support from community members. All proceeds from the Baby Steps Run benefit the Amelia Center. CLICK HERE to learn more about the Amelia Center. Buddy and I have received exceptional support from this organization and we would like to help support its cause.
 
We would love for you to join us on Saturday, September 30, and run in memory of our precious Thomas! Thank you for your consideration and we look forward to seeing you at the Run! 

​On May 2, 2017, Buddy and I presented our 3rd Annual Thomas Alexander Lambert V Memorial Scholarship to a First Priority student. We are committed to educating people about Thomas’ condition as well as to remember and recognize his precious life. We believed a scholarship would be a great way to honor him. I am the communications and event coordinator for First Priority Greater Birmingham, a ministry that connects the church to the school campus to share the hope of Christ with elementary, middle and high school students. We help organize clubs that meet outside school hours with the purpose of reaching students with the Gospel before they graduate high school. We have amazing students that lead their First Priority clubs. Each year, because First Priority is so important to Buddy and me, we plan to present a scholarship in memory of Thomas to an exceptional First Priority student leader from either Moody High School or St. Clair County High School. We attended and graduated from those schools so they hold a very special place in our hearts.

​Our application process gave First Priority student leaders at those schools the opportunity to write about how they believed they exemplified the same qualities as Thomas. They also wrote about their leadership role in their school’s First Priority club. Thomas may have only lived a short life here on this Earth, but he made a huge impact on many people’s lives all across this world. To be a young baby, he exemplified the qualities of strength, hope and love. Thomas was such a strong fighter. He fought a long, hard and painful battle. He never gave up. Thomas gave us so much hope. Our faith in God was strengthened and we prayed like we had never prayed before. God chose to heal Thomas completely in Heaven, so we now cling to the hope that we will see him again one day soon. An abundance of love surrounded Thomas. He gave and received eternal love. After much prayer and consideration, we chose a student for the scholarship whom we believed best exemplified those qualities of our sweet baby boy, and also based on their leadership in First Priority. The student who received the scholarship also made a huge impact on other students’ lives in his school and community. On several occasions, I personally received the pleasure of watching this student lead his First Priority club.
 
On Tuesday, May 2, 2017, Buddy and I presented the Thomas Alexander Lambert V Memorial Scholarship to St. Clair County High School First Priority Student Leader Wesley Seymour. We were honored to present the scholarship to Wesley for outstanding qualities including strength, hope and love, and for Christian leadership, academic excellence, involvement and leadership in First Priority and commitment to a local church. This year’s scholarship was in the amount of $500 per semester, with a total amount of $1,000. We are very proud of Wesley, and so thankful we could remember Thomas in such a big way. We would like to thank all of our applicants and let them know how proud we are of them as well. We had a very tough decision to make!

​Our goal is to make the Thomas Alexander Lambert V Memorial Scholarship not only big, but HUGE. We would love to be able to give away more than one scholarship per year, and we plan to do this for the rest of our lives. If you would like to make a donation to the Thomas Alexander Lambert V Memorial Scholarship Fund, please e-mail us at: [email protected]. We appreciate your support! 

​Satan didn’t win two hours after Thomas was born when we found out he had a rare skin condition. Satan didn’t win when we were told that Thomas couldn’t hear and that he couldn’t see well. Satan didn’t win the week that Buddy and I received bad news after bad news that landed us back in the hospital for a week when Thomas needed a feeding tube. Again, Satan didn’t win on Oct. 6, 2014, when we were admitted back into the hospital because Thomas had his first skin infection. Satan didn’t win after Thomas had his second, third and fourth skin infection, which ultimately led to a blood infection. Satan didn’t win when we found out Thomas had a cold virus. Satan didn’t win on the hardest day of our lives when Thomas left this world physically and entered the gates of Heaven. Satan didn’t win all those days and nights when I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying in pain from missing my sweet Thomas. And, Satan is not winning today on our son’s third birthday!

​These sad and heartbreaking situations didn’t cause us to turn our backs on God, which is what Satan wanted; they only caused us to pray harder. In fact, in Thomas’ short life on Earth, Buddy and I prayed like never before. Other than when we professed Christ as our Savior, I can’t think of a time that we trusted and relied on God more in our lives. We received more bad news than good with Thomas and we felt God’s presence the entire time. We praised Him during the good times and we prayed harder during the bad times. We’re still heartbroken, have questions and don’t understand why Thomas was born with KID Syndrome, and I think we’ll always feel this way until we’re with him again. But, we will never blame God for what happened.
 
After Thomas was born, I learned how to give up myself immediately. I believe as a mother this is very easy. I desired to care for him and spend time with him. Our time was completely devoted to him. Thomas had multiple doctors’ visits each week. Because of his skin condition, we would spend about two hours each night giving him a bath and applying his special creams. We lived at the hospital with Thomas for two months. We wouldn’t change any of the time we spent with Thomas. God definitely taught us all about humility and selflessness when Thomas was here.
 
I learned that Thomas was God’s all along; He lent Thomas to us for six and a half months to be his earthly parents. Our children belong to God. Because of what we went through with Thomas, we turned Alexandria over to God almost immediately after she was born.
 
God wants me to love Him more than anyone or anything. This is something I struggle with. There are times I feel like I love my husband and children more than God. And then I’m reminded of the hardest day of our lives when God chose to heal our precious son completely. I believe when you’re willing to let your child go, that is a true love for God like none I could ever explain. I believe my love for God is different from the love I have for Buddy, Thomas and Alexandria.
 
This is probably not the post you were expecting on Thomas’ birthday, but these are things God has laid on my heart lately and I felt this was the best time to share them. I wanted to end with a verse that one of my sweet students sent me this morning that I believe couldn’t be more perfect for this post and this particular day. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer,” Romans 12:12. We can celebrate our son’s birthday with joy today and lean on the hope that one day we will be with him again. We will be patient and faithful in prayer when we hurt and on days that are hard. I hope that somehow you were able to find comfort in what God has taught me since Thomas’ birth.

​I was hoping to publish this blog post last week, but taking care of a toddler full time and still working for First Priority part time, unfortunately my blog has been placed on the back burner. When we first launched changedbythomas.com I published a new post every week and then it became every two weeks, and then once a month and now it is just whenever I have the time to sit down and write for pleasure. I have so much I would love to write about and hope to be able to soon.

​National Infertility Awareness Week was April 23-29. Infertility affects one in eight couples of childbearing age. It’s a struggle that many keep private and go through alone. Buddy and I battled infertility. After coming off birth control my body didn’t return to normal. It was a very frustrating season of our lives. It was a very hard fact to face. I blamed myself and my body. Our emotions ranged from anxiety to disappointment to frustration to sadness to loneliness. There’s a feeling I felt that I just can’t explain. It was like an aching feeling inside of wanting something so bad and I had zero control over it. I honestly can’t even put into words how we truly felt during this trying time of our lives. We desired to have a baby more than anything, but it was in God’s hands and in His timing, which didn’t match our aspiration.
 
It seemed like everyone around us was becoming pregnant while we struggled. Every week I would see a new announcement on Facebook of someone else who was pregnant. While I was happy for those couples (even though I may have rolled my eyes a few times), I was also sad because it wasn’t happening for Buddy and me. It truly is a struggle like no other and I know it’s one that many have faced a lot longer than Buddy and I did.

​Not only did Buddy and I battle infertility, but we also faced multiple miscarriages. Once we were finally able to become pregnant, we couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Again, another trying and heartbreaking time in our lives. After our second miscarriage, I remember going to dinner with one of my best friends and talking with her about whether or not she thought Buddy and I should keep trying because I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to suffer another loss. In the midst of confusion and sadness, I ran into someone I knew while having dinner with my friend. This person talked with me for a couple of minutes about how sorry she was for our loss and before she walked away she said, “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” I thought my friend was going to slap her. I’m sure her intentions were well-meaning but of course it hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted to hear after battling infertility and multiple miscarriages for almost two years. Someone also innocently told me what she thought was wrong with my body as to why I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. I understand that people want to help and offer their advice and opinions, but there are some things you just shouldn’t say to someone struggling with infertility or baby loss. The following are a few examples:
- “Just be patient, it will happen in God’s timing”
- “God has a plan”
- “It will happen when it’s supposed to”
- “You’re trying too hard, just relax”
- “Have fun, take a break and it will happen when you’re not trying”
- “You’re still young, you have plenty of time”
- “Why don’t you adopt”
- “Maybe it’s just not meant to be”

While all of these may be true, they’re not what couples want to hear in the middle of their battle with infertility. If you know someone struggling with infertility, I would like to encourage you to love them and simply tell them you’re thinking about them and praying for them. I can assure you that is all they want to hear. It’s important to be mindful and respectful of those struggling with this delicate matter.
 
Infertility is real, it’s heartbreaking, it’s exhausting and it’s isolating. If you know someone struggling with infertility, pray for them. If you are personally struggling with infertility, please know I am praying for you and if there’s anything I can do to help you or if you just need to talk, I am here for you. You’re not alone. There are many others facing the same battle you are. It’s ok to seek help. I understand that next steps might be scary and uncertain and it may be steps you don’t want to take. I didn’t want to admit that I needed to see a specialist, but I did and I couldn’t be more grateful. I can recommend a fertility specialist if you need one. The doctors and staff at Alabama Fertility Specialists are amazing and truly a godsend.
 
To read more about mine and Buddy’s battles to become pregnant and sustain a pregnancy, please click here.    

​I have had every intention of writing about this despairing, not often talked about topic for over a year now, but it wasn’t until I read this article that I felt compelled to move forward with it quickly. In this article, you will read about a beautiful new mother who silently suffered from Postpartum Depression (PPD) so deeply that she took her own life. No one wants to talk about it, but PPD is real and can end in devastation if help isn’t sought out.
 
After having a baby, mamas feel the pressure that they should have it all together and be happy and grateful because they have a cute new bundle of joy to bring them much happiness. Having a baby is absolutely wonderful; Thomas and Alexandria are the biggest blessings I have ever received, but being a new mother is a huge adjustment and it can be challenging. You are dealing with the stress of raging, uncontrollable hormones, NO SLEEP, your husband has to go back to work and you miss him and his help with the baby, the house is a mess, you’re trying to keep your milk supply up because if you don’t you feel like a failure if you can’t meet your baby’s demands, your baby won’t stop crying and you don’t know what to do, you feel fat… seriously, the list goes on and on. It’s not as glamorous on the inside as it appears on the outside. The first few weeks and even months are difficult but they can be overcome, believe me, I know personally.
 
Only a handful of people know, but after Alexandria was born I suffered from PPD. Let me begin with an important side note that will explain a lot of what contributed to it… Due to several health conditions Thomas had, I didn’t receive the opportunity to breastfeed him and create that special bond with him. Although Thomas and I connected in a different way, it still hurt that I didn’t get to experience that particular bond between me and my son. After we found out we were pregnant with Alexandria, I prayed very hard that she would be healthy and that I would be able to breastfeed her. It wasn’t only a bond I desired to have, but one I felt we needed. End side note.
 
After Alexandria was born, many memories of Thomas were brought back and I longed to hold him in my arms, I missed him more than I could describe. We did not get any sleep, not even kidding. In regards to breastfeeding, it was perfect! We had to work through those initial problems but once we got past those, it was great. My supply couldn’t have been better and Alexandria was gaining weight perfectly. And then everything went south and I reached the peak of my PPD. When Alexandria was four weeks old, I got a breast infection that ultimately resulted in what my doctor said was the worst breast abscess he had ever seen. I was originally sent home on antibiotics. I became very ill and I can’t even begin to describe the pain in my breast; I had to stop nursing Alexandria on that side. I have a very high tolerance to pain and this hurt worse than child birth. I cried it hurt so badly. My mom cried with me. Praise God for my mother and Buddy for taking care of Alexandria and me; they were both so wonderful during a time when I couldn’t even take care of myself. After a couple of days at home, the infection got worse and landed me in the hospital for a week. I had to receive IV antibiotics and I also had to have surgery to remove the abscess. I had doctors telling me I would have to stop nursing. Believe me when I tell you I could NOT. STOP. CRYING. My hormones and emotions were out of control. I cried going in to surgery and I woke up crying coming out of surgery. I was devastated. I longed to continue that bond with Alexandria. I didn’t understand why that was happening to me. I desired so much to be able to nurse her and that was about to be stripped away from me. (Another side note… I didn’t give up on breastfeeding. I actually nursed Alexandria until she was 15 months old. My breast healed nicely and two months after surgery I was able to relactate and continue nursing Alexandria from that side. End side note.)

​Honestly, at the time, I felt like this was the worst thing that had happened to me since Thomas passed away. I later realized how selfish I was. We got home from the hospital and I was so down. I continued nursing Alexandria from my healthy breast but quickly began to feel the stress to keep up with her demand. I was still in a great deal of pain from the surgery. Alexandria wouldn’t sleep. I missed Thomas. My mom would come help me during the day and encourage me to spend some time outside. We would all go out for a walk but I would quickly want to go back inside. In the middle of the night, Buddy would care for Alexandria because all I could do was sit on the bed and cry. I felt helpless. I knew I needed help. I told Buddy I wanted to meet with my doctor and he encouraged me to do so. At my two-week post-op appointment, I expressed my concerns with my doctor. He was wonderful and talked with me for a while about Thomas, Alexandria and all of the feelings that I had and what was to come in the near future. He and I both agreed the best solution for me was to start an anti-depressant. We came up with a game plan and timeline that included me coming off the medication after six months. Buddy supported this decision 100%, and we both believed this was the best possible resolution for me at that time.
 
I did very well with the medication and it truly made me feel 100 times better. The first couple of weeks coming off the medication was rough, but with Buddy’s support and encouragement, we propelled forward and I have been fine since.
 
I knew I needed help and I sought it out. PPD is nothing to be ashamed about. I believe more people suffer from PPD than we realize. If you’re a new mom and you find yourself in a time of desperation and helplessness, it’s so important to seek help. Talk to your husband or your mama friends, see a counselor, join a support group, meet with your doctor; get help! Your son or daughter needs you. Friends of new mamas, ask those tough questions. Don’t be afraid to dig deeper. It could help your friend tremendously and even save their life in some cases. PPD is real and help must be sought out.

Resources and info about PPD:

For those in Birmingham, St. Vincent's now offers a PPD support group that is free and open to the public:
  - St. Vincent's East Campus meets every Tuesday evening at 6 p.m.
  - St. Vincent's Downtown meets every Thursday evening at 6 p.m.
Contact Molly Thompson or Julia Sanford for more info: 205.838.3349.

Baby Center - PPD
Birmingham OBGYN - PPD
Birmingham OBGYN - Managing PPD 
​St. Vincent's Monogram Maternity - Baby Blues & PPD

​Two years… two years since I held and kissed my baby boy for the last time. Two years that I’ve been without my little snuggle buddy. Two years of grief and pain that I can’t explain. Two years ago today, Buddy and I gave our precious son Thomas back to God. And let me just say, it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. No parent should have to experience the loss of their child. It raises many questions… “Why?” “Why wasn’t he healthy at birth?” “Why didn’t his other two siblings make it to their birth days and he did but was sick?” “Why didn’t God heal him on Earth?” “Is God even faithful?” I know many people ask a lot of these questions and I don’t have all the answers. However, what I do know is, yes, God IS faithful. No, I will never understand why Thomas was sick at birth and why God didn’t choose to heal him on this Earth, which was our constant prayer. Yet what I do know is that sin entered this world long ago and there is going to be suffering. Take Job for instance, he lost everything, but not once did he turn his back on God. Job remained faithful and God blessed him with twice as much as he had before. God uses our suffering for His glory. We have witnessed and heard about many ways God has used Thomas’ life and death to reach others for His glory and for that we are grateful.
 
In my post last year on the anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I shared a couple of letters that Buddy and I had written that were read at Thomas’ funeral. Mine was about him and Buddy’s was written to him. Right after Thomas passed away, I wasn’t ready to write a letter to him, only about him. But now I’m ready and going to share it with you.

Dear Thomas,
 
My sweet, sweet baby boy, I seriously can’t explain how much I miss you; it hurts physically I miss you so much. I know you’re with your older siblings, great grandparents and many others praising our wonderful Savior. I’m jealous; I wish I was there with you! I’m beyond thankful that you’re healed, whole and happy.
 
Your baby sister is 14 months old and boy is she fun! I show her pictures of you all the time and she smiles and laughs. She’s not walking yet, but she is taking steps. I often picture the two of you playing together. I see how much Alexandria enjoys playing with your cousin Brayden and can’t even begin to imagine how in love with you she would be. I bet she would follow you around the house constantly, and oh what I would give to hear sounds of the two of you running through the house together and laughing unstoppable. God recently gave me a little glimpse of what life would be like if you were still here… Alexandria has a friend that is a few months older than you. He loves Alexandria and calls her his baby. At a church lunch a couple of weeks ago, he sat with us. At one point, our pastor was singing old hymns, Daddy was holding Alexandria and I was holding her sweet friend and he laid his head on me while I held him. It was the sweetest feeling. Tears grew in my eyes as I got to experience what it would feel like if that was you. I thank God for that moment.
 
Mommy and Daddy have joined several support groups and met a lot of people since you’ve been in Heaven. We try our best to be there for those who have experienced loss while coping with our own grief. We wish more than anything that you would have been healthy and that you were here growing up with your little sister. Vacations, holidays, birthdays…they just aren’t the same without you. But I wouldn’t trade anything for the time I did get to spend with you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mommy. You blessed my life like no one ever has and taught me so much about what really matters.
 
I do smile, laugh and have joy, but I am different and will never be the same without you here. There are days I will be with your daddy and sister and feel so good and then I think about you and become sad. My heart truly won’t be whole again until we’re all together as a family in Heaven. I hope that time is soon! I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy are ok. God is faithful and He is good and it is by His grace that we are able to make it through each day. Gosh, it feels really good to write you a letter, which will have to do until I get to hold you in my arms again.
 
Thomas, I love and miss you so much! Thank you for making me a mommy, a very proud mommy. I truly do hold onto everything you taught me and try my best not to slip back to my old ways of taking people and time for granted. I realize how precious life is and make every effort to make the most of each day. I love you and can’t wait to be with you again.
 
Love,
Mommy
 
I have learned throughout my journey of grief that we don’t get to choose our testimony. Growing up, we’re led to believe that the plan is to graduate high school, go to college, get married and have kids, and that it’s going to work out perfectly. But, that’s not always how it happens. This is not the life I would have chosen. In the life I would have chosen, we wouldn’t have struggled with infertility, our first two children would have made it to their birth days, Thomas would have been healthy, and Alexandria would be growing up with her big brother and other siblings; we would be a happy family of 6, plus our sweet dog Max! God never said life would be easy. Actually it WAS supposed to be; it was supposed to be perfect. However, sin entered this world and now there is pain and suffering. We don’t understand why things happened the way they did with Thomas, but we’re choosing to trust God and seek His plan for our lives. I believe God has a purpose and will continue to use us on this Earth for His glory.
 
Today, on the second anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I’d like to close with this verse from the Bible: “Then Job answered the Lord and said: ‘I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.’” - Job 42:1

​Below is a Celebration of Life video of Thomas. We hope you will take a moment to watch it.
​

​Due to his rare condition, we feel confident Thomas wasn’t able to hear, nor was he able to see well. The way Thomas and I communicated was through touch. I held and snuggled him a lot. While at home, we would nap together and be nose to nose. Those were some of my favorite times with Thomas. I would kiss him at the top of his nose between his eyes. I would also talk to him with my lips pressed against his face in hopes he could feel the vibrations. Because he couldn’t hear or see, I did my very best to make sure he felt safe and loved.

​When Thomas would cry, I would hold him close to me and press my forehead and nose against his and he would calm down immediately. As I cried, I recently admitted something to Buddy and only to him, and now I’m about to tell the rest of the world. After Alexandria was born, there were a couple of times I would be rocking her in the middle of the night and I would pull her close to me, press my forehead and nose against hers and envision that I was holding my sweet baby boy Thomas. I just closed my eyes, breathed and took it all in. It warmed my heart. Part of me feels guilty for doing that because I couldn’t be more grateful for Alexandria and the amazing blessing she is to my life. But in those times of desperation, longing to hold and be with my baby boy again, that’s as close as I would get because it wasn't just any baby, it was Thomas' baby sister. It only happened twice and it was when Alexandria was a small baby. Now, I think more about how Thomas and Alexandria aren’t growing up together. I often picture the two of them playing together. I see how much Alexandria enjoys playing with her cousin Brayden and can’t even begin to imagine how in love with Thomas she would be. I bet she would follow him around the house constantly, and oh what I would give to hear sounds of the two of them running through the house together and laughing unstoppable.
 
Because sin entered this world my family has been robbed of many blessings. I truly don’t believe my heart will ever be completely whole or full again until Thomas, Alexandria, Buddy and I are together as a family in Heaven. I won’t have to envision Thomas or feel guilty about envisioning him because I will be with him, forehead to forehead, nose to nose. Thank you God for this promise!
 
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4