In my post last year on the anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I shared a couple of letters that Buddy and I had written that were read at Thomas’ funeral. Mine was about him and Buddy’s was written to him. Right after Thomas passed away, I wasn’t ready to write a letter to him, only about him. But now I’m ready and going to share it with you.
My sweet, sweet baby boy, I seriously can’t explain how much I miss you; it hurts physically I miss you so much. I know you’re with your older siblings, great grandparents and many others praising our wonderful Savior. I’m jealous; I wish I was there with you! I’m beyond thankful that you’re healed, whole and happy.
Your baby sister is 14 months old and boy is she fun! I show her pictures of you all the time and she smiles and laughs. She’s not walking yet, but she is taking steps. I often picture the two of you playing together. I see how much Alexandria enjoys playing with your cousin Brayden and can’t even begin to imagine how in love with you she would be. I bet she would follow you around the house constantly, and oh what I would give to hear sounds of the two of you running through the house together and laughing unstoppable. God recently gave me a little glimpse of what life would be like if you were still here… Alexandria has a friend that is a few months older than you. He loves Alexandria and calls her his baby. At a church lunch a couple of weeks ago, he sat with us. At one point, our pastor was singing old hymns, Daddy was holding Alexandria and I was holding her sweet friend and he laid his head on me while I held him. It was the sweetest feeling. Tears grew in my eyes as I got to experience what it would feel like if that was you. I thank God for that moment.
Mommy and Daddy have joined several support groups and met a lot of people since you’ve been in Heaven. We try our best to be there for those who have experienced loss while coping with our own grief. We wish more than anything that you would have been healthy and that you were here growing up with your little sister. Vacations, holidays, birthdays…they just aren’t the same without you. But I wouldn’t trade anything for the time I did get to spend with you. I thank God for choosing me to be your mommy. You blessed my life like no one ever has and taught me so much about what really matters.
I do smile, laugh and have joy, but I am different and will never be the same without you here. There are days I will be with your daddy and sister and feel so good and then I think about you and become sad. My heart truly won’t be whole again until we’re all together as a family in Heaven. I hope that time is soon! I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy are ok. God is faithful and He is good and it is by His grace that we are able to make it through each day. Gosh, it feels really good to write you a letter, which will have to do until I get to hold you in my arms again.
Thomas, I love and miss you so much! Thank you for making me a mommy, a very proud mommy. I truly do hold onto everything you taught me and try my best not to slip back to my old ways of taking people and time for granted. I realize how precious life is and make every effort to make the most of each day. I love you and can’t wait to be with you again.
I have learned throughout my journey of grief that we don’t get to choose our testimony. Growing up, we’re led to believe that the plan is to graduate high school, go to college, get married and have kids, and that it’s going to work out perfectly. But, that’s not always how it happens. This is not the life I would have chosen. In the life I would have chosen, we wouldn’t have struggled with infertility, our first two children would have made it to their birth days, Thomas would have been healthy, and Alexandria would be growing up with her big brother and other siblings; we would be a happy family of 6, plus our sweet dog Max! God never said life would be easy. Actually it WAS supposed to be; it was supposed to be perfect. However, sin entered this world and now there is pain and suffering. We don’t understand why things happened the way they did with Thomas, but we’re choosing to trust God and seek His plan for our lives. I believe God has a purpose and will continue to use us on this Earth for His glory.
Today, on the second anniversary of Thomas’ passing, I’d like to close with this verse from the Bible: “Then Job answered the Lord and said: ‘I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.’” - Job 42:1
Below is a Celebration of Life video of Thomas. We hope you will take a moment to watch it.