​Satan didn’t win two hours after Thomas was born when we found out he had a rare skin condition. Satan didn’t win when we were told that Thomas couldn’t hear and that he couldn’t see well. Satan didn’t win the week that Buddy and I received bad news after bad news that landed us back in the hospital for a week when Thomas needed a feeding tube. Again, Satan didn’t win on Oct. 6, 2014, when we were admitted back into the hospital because Thomas had his first skin infection. Satan didn’t win after Thomas had his second, third and fourth skin infection, which ultimately led to a blood infection. Satan didn’t win when we found out Thomas had a cold virus. Satan didn’t win on the hardest day of our lives when Thomas left this world physically and entered the gates of Heaven. Satan didn’t win all those days and nights when I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying in pain from missing my sweet Thomas. And, Satan is not winning today on our son’s third birthday!

​These sad and heartbreaking situations didn’t cause us to turn our backs on God, which is what Satan wanted; they only caused us to pray harder. In fact, in Thomas’ short life on Earth, Buddy and I prayed like never before. Other than when we professed Christ as our Savior, I can’t think of a time that we trusted and relied on God more in our lives. We received more bad news than good with Thomas and we felt God’s presence the entire time. We praised Him during the good times and we prayed harder during the bad times. We’re still heartbroken, have questions and don’t understand why Thomas was born with KID Syndrome, and I think we’ll always feel this way until we’re with him again. But, we will never blame God for what happened.
 
After Thomas was born, I learned how to give up myself immediately. I believe as a mother this is very easy. I desired to care for him and spend time with him. Our time was completely devoted to him. Thomas had multiple doctors’ visits each week. Because of his skin condition, we would spend about two hours each night giving him a bath and applying his special creams. We lived at the hospital with Thomas for two months. We wouldn’t change any of the time we spent with Thomas. God definitely taught us all about humility and selflessness when Thomas was here.
 
I learned that Thomas was God’s all along; He lent Thomas to us for six and a half months to be his earthly parents. Our children belong to God. Because of what we went through with Thomas, we turned Alexandria over to God almost immediately after she was born.
 
God wants me to love Him more than anyone or anything. This is something I struggle with. There are times I feel like I love my husband and children more than God. And then I’m reminded of the hardest day of our lives when God chose to heal our precious son completely. I believe when you’re willing to let your child go, that is a true love for God like none I could ever explain. I believe my love for God is different from the love I have for Buddy, Thomas and Alexandria.
 
This is probably not the post you were expecting on Thomas’ birthday, but these are things God has laid on my heart lately and I felt this was the best time to share them. I wanted to end with a verse that one of my sweet students sent me this morning that I believe couldn’t be more perfect for this post and this particular day. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer,” Romans 12:12. We can celebrate our son’s birthday with joy today and lean on the hope that one day we will be with him again. We will be patient and faithful in prayer when we hurt and on days that are hard. I hope that somehow you were able to find comfort in what God has taught me since Thomas’ birth.

​I was hoping to publish this blog post last week, but taking care of a toddler full time and still working for First Priority part time, unfortunately my blog has been placed on the back burner. When we first launched changedbythomas.com I published a new post every week and then it became every two weeks, and then once a month and now it is just whenever I have the time to sit down and write for pleasure. I have so much I would love to write about and hope to be able to soon.

​National Infertility Awareness Week was April 23-29. Infertility affects one in eight couples of childbearing age. It’s a struggle that many keep private and go through alone. Buddy and I battled infertility. After coming off birth control my body didn’t return to normal. It was a very frustrating season of our lives. It was a very hard fact to face. I blamed myself and my body. Our emotions ranged from anxiety to disappointment to frustration to sadness to loneliness. There’s a feeling I felt that I just can’t explain. It was like an aching feeling inside of wanting something so bad and I had zero control over it. I honestly can’t even put into words how we truly felt during this trying time of our lives. We desired to have a baby more than anything, but it was in God’s hands and in His timing, which didn’t match our aspiration.
 
It seemed like everyone around us was becoming pregnant while we struggled. Every week I would see a new announcement on Facebook of someone else who was pregnant. While I was happy for those couples (even though I may have rolled my eyes a few times), I was also sad because it wasn’t happening for Buddy and me. It truly is a struggle like no other and I know it’s one that many have faced a lot longer than Buddy and I did.

​Not only did Buddy and I battle infertility, but we also faced multiple miscarriages. Once we were finally able to become pregnant, we couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Again, another trying and heartbreaking time in our lives. After our second miscarriage, I remember going to dinner with one of my best friends and talking with her about whether or not she thought Buddy and I should keep trying because I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to suffer another loss. In the midst of confusion and sadness, I ran into someone I knew while having dinner with my friend. This person talked with me for a couple of minutes about how sorry she was for our loss and before she walked away she said, “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” I thought my friend was going to slap her. I’m sure her intentions were well-meaning but of course it hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted to hear after battling infertility and multiple miscarriages for almost two years. Someone also innocently told me what she thought was wrong with my body as to why I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. I understand that people want to help and offer their advice and opinions, but there are some things you just shouldn’t say to someone struggling with infertility or baby loss. The following are a few examples:
- “Just be patient, it will happen in God’s timing”
- “God has a plan”
- “It will happen when it’s supposed to”
- “You’re trying too hard, just relax”
- “Have fun, take a break and it will happen when you’re not trying”
- “You’re still young, you have plenty of time”
- “Why don’t you adopt”
- “Maybe it’s just not meant to be”

While all of these may be true, they’re not what couples want to hear in the middle of their battle with infertility. If you know someone struggling with infertility, I would like to encourage you to love them and simply tell them you’re thinking about them and praying for them. I can assure you that is all they want to hear. It’s important to be mindful and respectful of those struggling with this delicate matter.
 
Infertility is real, it’s heartbreaking, it’s exhausting and it’s isolating. If you know someone struggling with infertility, pray for them. If you are personally struggling with infertility, please know I am praying for you and if there’s anything I can do to help you or if you just need to talk, I am here for you. You’re not alone. There are many others facing the same battle you are. It’s ok to seek help. I understand that next steps might be scary and uncertain and it may be steps you don’t want to take. I didn’t want to admit that I needed to see a specialist, but I did and I couldn’t be more grateful. I can recommend a fertility specialist if you need one. The doctors and staff at Alabama Fertility Specialists are amazing and truly a godsend.
 
To read more about mine and Buddy’s battles to become pregnant and sustain a pregnancy, please click here.