“Maybe it’s just not meant to be”

​I was hoping to publish this blog post last week, but taking care of a toddler full time and still working for First Priority part time, unfortunately my blog has been placed on the back burner. When we first launched changedbythomas.com I published a new post every week and then it became every two weeks, and then once a month and now it is just whenever I have the time to sit down and write for pleasure. I have so much I would love to write about and hope to be able to soon.

​National Infertility Awareness Week was April 23-29. Infertility affects one in eight couples of childbearing age. It’s a struggle that many keep private and go through alone. Buddy and I battled infertility. After coming off birth control my body didn’t return to normal. It was a very frustrating season of our lives. It was a very hard fact to face. I blamed myself and my body. Our emotions ranged from anxiety to disappointment to frustration to sadness to loneliness. There’s a feeling I felt that I just can’t explain. It was like an aching feeling inside of wanting something so bad and I had zero control over it. I honestly can’t even put into words how we truly felt during this trying time of our lives. We desired to have a baby more than anything, but it was in God’s hands and in His timing, which didn’t match our aspiration.
 
It seemed like everyone around us was becoming pregnant while we struggled. Every week I would see a new announcement on Facebook of someone else who was pregnant. While I was happy for those couples (even though I may have rolled my eyes a few times), I was also sad because it wasn’t happening for Buddy and me. It truly is a struggle like no other and I know it’s one that many have faced a lot longer than Buddy and I did.

​Not only did Buddy and I battle infertility, but we also faced multiple miscarriages. Once we were finally able to become pregnant, we couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. Again, another trying and heartbreaking time in our lives. After our second miscarriage, I remember going to dinner with one of my best friends and talking with her about whether or not she thought Buddy and I should keep trying because I was ready to give up. I didn’t want to suffer another loss. In the midst of confusion and sadness, I ran into someone I knew while having dinner with my friend. This person talked with me for a couple of minutes about how sorry she was for our loss and before she walked away she said, “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” I thought my friend was going to slap her. I’m sure her intentions were well-meaning but of course it hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted to hear after battling infertility and multiple miscarriages for almost two years. Someone also innocently told me what she thought was wrong with my body as to why I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. I understand that people want to help and offer their advice and opinions, but there are some things you just shouldn’t say to someone struggling with infertility or baby loss. The following are a few examples:
- “Just be patient, it will happen in God’s timing”
- “God has a plan”
- “It will happen when it’s supposed to”
- “You’re trying too hard, just relax”
- “Have fun, take a break and it will happen when you’re not trying”
- “You’re still young, you have plenty of time”
- “Why don’t you adopt”
- “Maybe it’s just not meant to be”

While all of these may be true, they’re not what couples want to hear in the middle of their battle with infertility. If you know someone struggling with infertility, I would like to encourage you to love them and simply tell them you’re thinking about them and praying for them. I can assure you that is all they want to hear. It’s important to be mindful and respectful of those struggling with this delicate matter.
 
Infertility is real, it’s heartbreaking, it’s exhausting and it’s isolating. If you know someone struggling with infertility, pray for them. If you are personally struggling with infertility, please know I am praying for you and if there’s anything I can do to help you or if you just need to talk, I am here for you. You’re not alone. There are many others facing the same battle you are. It’s ok to seek help. I understand that next steps might be scary and uncertain and it may be steps you don’t want to take. I didn’t want to admit that I needed to see a specialist, but I did and I couldn’t be more grateful. I can recommend a fertility specialist if you need one. The doctors and staff at Alabama Fertility Specialists are amazing and truly a godsend.
 
To read more about mine and Buddy’s battles to become pregnant and sustain a pregnancy, please click here.